> Lirelyn, I know it's tough to believe, but I am actually relieved to have my parents divorcing, and I don't really care about it one way or the other. It was bound to happen sooner or later, I suppose, what with all the infighting in the marriage. I guess it is taking a toll on my subsonscious, though, seeing as I've started getting depressed for no clear reason.

I was in a similar situation to yours. I was almost 17 when my parents split up, and aside from the inconvenience of having to move (though only across town -- nothing like the move you're undertaking) it did not bother me that much. My parents didn't have a very bad marriage, but it wasn't a very good one, either, and I was somewhat glad to no longer have to deal with the constant tension between them.

But it did affect me a little more than I thought it would have, and in subtle ways. I was old enough to understand the whole thing rationally but it was still a big adjustment. Much bigger than I expected.

> The thing is, though, I am fifteen, and in a few years I'll be in college. So, the longer I wait, the less of a brother I will be to the child. Maybe I just picked the absolute worst time in my life to consider adoption... Damn. But, I don't want to be unfair to the kid and make him go through any more than he already has, AUGH! What do I do!?!? Choices suck. Wish I had a brother to begin with, like every single other person in my entire family (not kidding).

I'm afraid that I'm not very tactful. I am trying to be and I mean all of this in the nicest way, but I can only be blunt here: I think your perspective on adoption is skewed.

First and foremost, you are focusing a lot on what you want. You acknowledge that it'd be a bad time for somebody else to join the family, but *you* want a little brother. This is not really a situation where what you personally want should override anything. You are considering changing somebody else's life in a gigantic way, and to base that decision on "I want to have a little brother" is very wrong.

Secondly, it would be your mother adopting. Not you, not the two of you. Your mother, and only your mother, is the one adopting. You would be affected by it, but it would not be your kid. As an older brother myself, I can assure you that the relationship between brother is *nothing* like the one between parents and children. I have never had anywhere near the responsibility for my brother that my parents did, and rightfully so. This is important, because I'm not sure your mom in particular is at a point where she's that well-equipped to really consider this decision.

> Basically, here's the deal: I don't want to miss out on the opportunity to be a good brother to someone, because that's something I have always, always wanted to do, and I would do anything to have that experience. I'll just see what happens after the dust clears from all these life changes.

What makes you think you'd miss out on that experience just because you're older? My brother and I are still brothers even though we're both adults, and in a lot of ways we're actually a lot closer today than we were as kids. Growing up, the only cousin that I really spent much time with was 15 years older than me, but I still had a great relationship with him. Even as an adult you can have a good relationship with a younger brother. Family isn't really about the age of the people involved.

> At the same time, I want to be understanding and accepting of others' needs and feelings. I am really confused as to what to do.

Let me offer some more advice. Your mom is probably not in the proper frame of mind to make this sort of decision right now. When my parents divorced, it was my mom who made the decision to end it, and frankly I thought because of that she'd be fine after. I was so incredibly wrong. She went throught an extremely rough time emotionally for about a year or so afterwards. I have always gotten along well with her, but that year was really difficult. Bringing a new person into the mix would have been an incredibly poor idea.

zK, you're right at the age where you're probably viewing your parents as regular people in addition to mom and dad. Don't underestimate the stress she's under. When people are under that sort of strain, they are should avoid making really important decisions that they cannot undo. Waiting a good period of time is pretty much the only sensible course.

Now, with all that dourness out of the way, let me say that it sounds like everything will work out for you in the long run. You're in the midst of some unhappiness, but you seem to be really thinking about things. In time everything will get better and even the most upsetting changes will seem normal.

What's more, in a few years you will be an adult and in college. When I was in high school, I really, really wish somebody would have made it clear how much more fun adulthood is than the teen years. College is one of the great experiences in life, and the freedom and self-assuredness that you will find with adulthood more than compensate for the increased responsibilities you'll have. Heck, if you find that you don't like your new home as much as your current one, in a few years you can go back.

Good luck with everything, but I suspect you won't need it. I think things will work out well for you.

Stephen