> I do appreciate your concern, but I'm the one supporting *her* on this, not the other way around.

I'm late in responding to this, because it's taken me this long to sift my utter aghastness into something resembling English.

I really think you need to throw away any disagreements you have with Stephen's post and read it -- and yours -- again. He made an important point, and your reply makes it crystal clear that you missed it.

The point, basically, is that you're being very me-oriented about this, when in reality your own wants and needs should be utterly and entirely deferential to your mother's on this issue. I'm not calling you selfish, and I don't mean to be insulting. But you're at both an age and a situation where you have to mature a bit sooner than you might otherwise need to. The simple reality is that kids *are* self-oriented people, which is why parents are so (generally) selfless. Growing up is a natural progression from self-oriented to self-sufficient, and from self-sufficient to selfless.

You're on the threshold of this middle step. In another situation, the need to skip ahead might not be so pressing. But divorce is something stressful and painful in a way that kids and teenagers can never really understand at the time. At 15, you're old enough to be able to figure out how to take on a selfless role in this, which will have a huge benefit on the healing process for all concerned, including yourself.

When I suggested you reread your old posts, it was because there are myriad indications that warranted Stephen's post to you, and it's a mistake to write off anything he said. I'm sure you're trying to be supportive. Nevertheless, your posts make it clear that you're approaching this matter from the wrong side.

Consider these quotes from your posts, in chronological order:

"Once we're there, we're thinking about adopting a boy..."

"In fact, we might not even adopt at all."

"I do think it's a good idea to wait awhile before we adopt, however, so I can be settled into a new home and have gotten used to the change by the time I do."

"So, the longer I wait..."

"Maybe I just picked the absolute worst time in my life to consider adoption."

"Basically, here's the deal: I don't want to miss out on the opportunity..."

These quotes belie a sound perspective on this issue. If you want to get through this situation cleanly, you're going to have to get that sound perspective. The places you're looking for understanding now are never going to yield an emotionally healthy way of coping with this situation.

You start out with "we." "We" are adopting. Then later, mid-sentence even, you switch to "I" and talk about how "I" am affected by adoption. Then it's plain old "I" doing the adopting.

While you say you're supposedly the one supporting your mother in this, the reality is that your posts do not mention your mother's needs at all. In reality, they should be considered to the absolute and utter exclusion of your own.

You have to consider what's right for your Mom to do, regardless of any impact whatsoever to your own self. If she's clear-headed and making the right decision for the right reasons, whatever that decision is, you have to support her in that. And if she's not grounded in whatever she is considering -- I agree with Stephen that the middle of a divorce is a really unwise time to consider a life-changing decision like this, but that's not actually our call either -- then it is up to you to be as objective and selfless as you can be in counseling her to be smart about the decisions she makes and when she makes them.

Ultimately, though, it's her decision and her responsibility. You shouldn't burden yourself with the weight of that decision, anymore than you should burden her with your own desires on the matter.

One of the funny things about life is that the relationship between parent and child is never really understood by the child. You have to have grown up, moved out of the house, and lived as an adult before you start to figure it out, and even then it's a learning process that continues not just until you have your own children but until those children have grown up and moved out of the house and put self-sufficient lives of their own together.

There's no rushing that understanding. But at this point in your life, you can at least *trust* that there is something fundamental, instinctive, and unique in that relationship that just does not exist between brothers at all, no matter how close they may be.

You're a part of your family, and as such have a right to all the normal consideration a member of a family is ordinarily entitled to. But when it comes to deciding how to put that family together in the first place, it's gotta be all about the parents.