I got this memo from Santa Claus in the email
this morning. It doesn't pertain to me, but I
thought I should pass it along to those who
would be affected by it.

Memo from Santa Clause:

I regret to inform you that, effective
immediately, I will no longer be able to serve
the Southern United States on Christmas Eve.
Due to the overwhelming current population of
the Earth, my contract was renegotiated by
North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I
now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana,
Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the
new and better contract I also get longer
breaks for milk and cookies, so please keep
that in mind. However, I'm certain that your
children will be in good hands with your local
replacement who happens to be my third
cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is
from the South Pole. He shares my goal of
delivering toys to all the good boys and girls;
however, ......... there are a few differences
between us. Differences such as:

1. There is no danger of a Grishny (or Grinch)
stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He
has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper
sticker that reads: "These toys insured by
Smith and Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus
prefers that children leave an RC cola and
pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace.
And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a
little snuff though, so please have an empty
spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by eight
floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of
reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a
couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's
head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on
Donner and Blitzen ..." when Bubba Claus
arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on
Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on
Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."

5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee
Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's
elves respond, "I her'd dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws,
Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite
Sam safety triangle on the back with the words
"Back Off."

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such
as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a
Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your
negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see
"Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey
and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as
Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars
crashing into each other.

8. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have
been sung about me like "Rudolph The
Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's
"Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." This year
songs about Bubba Claus will be played on
all the AM radio stations in the South. Those
song titles will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba
Claus Shot the Jukebox"; Cledus T. Judd's "All
I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six
Pack," and Hank Williams Jr.'s "If You Don't
Like Bubba Claus, You can Shove It."

Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus (member of North American
Fairies and Elves Local 209)

Gri"nyuk nyuk nyuk"shny