Pirates of the Caribbean: A Review

(SPOILERS DUH)


Or, "Why the Subtitle Should Be 'The Curse of the Bad Sequel'"

Or, "Why Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightly Are Not Worth Watching a Movie for"

Or, "Why It Must Have Been Graphic Artist Appreciation Day"

Or "No One Else Puts Plots in Their Movies These Days, So Why Should We?"

I was expecting it to be less than the first movie, which seemed like it stumbled upon greatness by luck (much like its main character sometimes). Dead Man's Chest, however, was a disappointment even when watched with low expectations.

It lacked lightheartedness, for one. Scenes from the first movie that come to mind are those like Jack Sparrow sailing into port on the mast of his sinking ship. The overwhelming image I have from this movie is that of tentacles.

It also lacks *conversation.* Some of the best parts of the first movie are the scintillating lines. The single longest bit of conversation in this one has to be with the voodoo lady (whom I thought rocked), and she's hard to understand at first. The rest of the time, they're shouting at each other while they're running, shouting at each other while they're fighting, or shouting at each other while they're getting ready to fight or run. I was totally exhausted at the end of the movie, and I had no frigging idea what was going on for half of it. Explanations would be good, thank you. I would prefer a horrifically obvious infodump to getting no information whatsoever about things. Why the hell doesn't Jack kill the heart? Bargaining, I got that much, but what for? Why does he owe Davy Jones? For captaining? Does every captain owe Davy Jones, then? Who is this guy fro the East India Company, and why is he suddenly god? Why, why, why?

On a different topic, there was a lot of good computer animation in the last one, but how much is too much? This was too much. And it was, in my humble opinion, disgusting and senseless, for the most part. I think Davy Jones' crew should have all looked more or less like Bootstrap Bill -- in other words, human form. After all, they were all supposed to be human at one point, right? So after serving a hundred years under Jones, your head becomes that of a shark? What? And why hadn't that happened to Bootstrap if that were the case?

The movie's creators should have taken a cue from Alfred Hitchcock with the Kraken. It was much better the first time it attacked, where, BOOM, the ship was gone and the thing was unseen. A couple of tentacles, maybe, but swarming the ship and seeing its maw (and for goodness' sake, its last scene where it sneezes or whatever on Johnny Depp -- uggggh) was TOO MUCH.

Probably the single thing that bothered me most was that Jack Sparrow was not himself. He was masterful in the first movie; cocky, sure of himself. He was much less so in this one, and it made it difficult to enjoy his character. You don't want to see the hero run for his life (and certainly not for THE WHOLE MOVIE). You want him to say, "I'm Captain Jack Sparrow, love," with his devilish grin and use his cunning to escape whatever sticky wicket he's in. That doesn't happen. (Although the line, "Where's my dirt? I want my jar of dirt," was hilarious.) No, instead, Orlando Bloom takes over the decision-making and somehow magically knows how to run a pirate ship. Riiight.

Keira Knightly's character bugs the hell out of me. Unless you're going to be Anne Bonny or Mary Read, be a proper lady for that time, please. "Will taught me how to handle a sword," was an AWFUL line. A gentleman of that time would not do such a thing! He wouldn't even want a lady to *aspire* to do such things. And the kissing Jack bit, even if it was to handcuff him -- I don't even know how to express my feelings about that.

POTC 2 tried too hard to be LOTR, in my book. Jones' crew reminded me of orcs, down to the hulking forms and the voices; the Kraken was too much like the Watcher in the Water; Orlando Bloom was too prominent at the expense of Johnny Depp; there was too damn much fighting and not enough story development.

To me, this movie crossed the line from romantic history with a little fantasy to science fiction. I could believe, in the first one, that cursed gold haunted Barbossa and his men, but I also felt that if you'd told that story to Norrington or Governor Swann, they would have pooh-poohed the idea and had you locked away in a padded room. (That's part of what made the scene where the crew attacks Norrington's ship so good.) In this one, Norrington throws the heart of Davy Jones on to Mr. East-India-Trading-Company's desk, and the latter just looks at it like, "Ooh, you found it. Cool."

Norrington, BTW, was a great character in this movie, and the only "real" one in the entire thing.

La"Worth watching for the native tribal scenes and the voodoo lady scenes, and that's it"Zorra