Great thread. I wish I could contribute more than I think I can. I was fortunate to have very good parents who somehow, even though I didn't know at the time, knew when it was important to let me stand on my own. I didn't control the timing or pacing of that period of letting go, but I noticed as it happened. Somehow, I eased into a time when my grades, finances, and so forth were mine rather than theirs. It was a transition, not a sudden shift, although obviously the moment I went away to college marked the biggest single moment of change. They did an awful lot for me by understanding how I needed to fly on my own wings.

This makes it all the more apparent to me -- even back when all this was happening, i.e., this wasn't something it took me any particular amount of time to realize -- how much damage parents have done to people I know by holding on too tightly. Although I am not a parent, I think I can at least sympathize with the error: holding on, protecting, and nurturing is the parental instinct, and it is often a strong one. But even animals, ruled by nothing but instincts, know when to boot the babies out of the nest. With intellect to assist our instincts, we should be better at it, not worse. Then again, maybe that's what screws us up. Maybe things like prolonged financial dependence, causing people to live at home longer than they should, sends the wrong kind of psychological messages to everybody involved.

Whatever the reason, I can appreciate the damage some parents do to their children just by comparing situations with mine. I knew of a senior in high school whose parents were overprotective like you would not believe, never letting this woman do anything, basically; not date unsupervised, not be out long or with unknown persons or without adult supervision, and so forth. (By contrast I never wished to do any of these things anyway, but that's beside the point.) And this girl was going to college across the country in several weeks. I simply cannot fathom how unprepared she would be to be not only truly on her own but in a *college* environment, where it *takes* maturity to deal with all the *immaturity*.

I don't know what happened to her, but at UNH I saw a number of people who couldn't handle the sudden shock of freedom. They developed drinking problems, slept around, blew off classes, whatever. The geeks, of course, at least at the time, just got hooked on online MUDs and played them 22 hours a day, through exams.

There are a lot of temptations when you're plunged into the world, most especially a little campus world built by others trying to cope as well. There are a lot of things that are fine in moderated doses but devastating when those things become first priority. There are a lot of addictions, physical and psychological, that can fight for first place. Someone lacking maturity is less equipped to know how to handle all these temptations. Nobody, mature or not, will do it perfectly, of course. But whether one sinks or swims -- and, perhaps more importantly, how much irreversible damage one does to oneself in the process -- depends an awful lot on how well the parents have taught responsibility beforehand. Before people go off to college, parents have a great opportunity to give their kids some experience with independence in a safe environment. They can hand over the reigns while still being there should they truly need the help. Once college hits, it's too late for the parents to provide those lessons with a safety net, and their kids have to pick it up without one.

Despite how I sound, though, I'm not completely pessimistic about the situation. I know that there are some overprotective parents and some immature "adults," but as I've grown up, I've seen those around me grow up, one way or another, some against unfortunate odds. Then again, maybe that's because the people I see in the places I've worked are simply the ones who made it.