Bet you all thought you'd never have to listen to one of these again, right? However, despite my best efforts, there are apparently still many mailing lists in the world which do not know I left Coastguard a year ago, so here I am passing on this great story of a recent incident from my old unit.

A member of the public called in to say they could see an upturned hull of a large boat, floating around offshore. When a boat was sent to investigate, the "hull" turned out to be an upturned and excessively unpleasant dead whale. Nothing daunted, the crew filled out the usual incident report form as follows.

Vessel name: whale
Call sign: Unlikely
Length: 15 metres
Type/Design: Mammal
Hull Colour: Grey/White
Deck Colour: Grey/White
Distinguishing Features: Lack of Movement
Problem: Dead
Number of people aboard: Nil
Owner's Name: Refused to answer
Address: The Sea
Phone Number: Unlikely
Action Taken/Extraordinary Events: Crew refused to attempt CPR. Disciplinary action will be taken.

Brunnen-"all together now: 'Whale meat again ... don't know where, don't know when...'"G