I've been talking about this to a few people so here it is. The full story.

Apologies in advance, Howard, it's not about those types of scooters.

Two weeks before I went to RU I went to the Island of Fuerteventura to go scuba diving with my friends as I enjoy that sort of thing. We found a nice dive site organised by a friendly bunch of folks so we stayed around there and made a few dives. One of the things this dive place had to offer was these little underwater scooter things. These are basically a propeller and a big battery housed in a waterproof casing. Very James Bond like, so we had to have a go. They had three for hire so we gathered round while they explained how simple they were to operate. So simple, it was a thumb operated button. Press it, it goes. Let go, it stops. (In theory!)

*You can see what's coming, can't you?*

Well, the guy explained that one of them had a dodgy switch. "It keeps cutting out," he said, "but just press it a few more times and it'll kick in again." Yeah, right!

*You can DEFINITELY see what's coming now, I should think.*

So we get out on the boat to the dive site and drop into the water. I get handed my scooter and begin to descend the line to the ocean floor.

*OK, here it comes*

I give the button an experimental press to test this thing out. As you have no doubt all guessed by now, when I release the button, it doesn't turn off again. I press it again. And again. And again. Once more, then just once more. By now I had resorted to bashing it with my fist to get it to stop. It wouldn't. The bottom of the line was on a reef promontory so I went round it circles trying to equalise my ears to stop my eardrums bursting, deflate my Buoyancy Control Device (BCD) and keep hold of this scooter. This requires three hands to do all three. So it was a sequence of: Pinch nose and blow to equalise, grab scooter and re-orientate, deflate BCD, grab scooter and re-orientate, pinch nose... etc. I accidentally barged a few people while trying to maintain control, something I only found out later.

When I had finally deflated and equalised, I had achieved neutral buoyancy so I was floating free and going wherever I pointed this thing. I tried a few more presses, punches and jabs just in case it was going to behave, but no. So for the next half hour it was go round the main group in circles while trying to maintain buoyancy and actually get a look at things as I whizzed past. I tried every five minutes or so to get the damned thing to switch off, always no joy. Other divers said later they would see me go by, pounding on the button and, so they could have sworn, with a stream of curse bubbles issuing from my regulator.

Well, eventually I got back to the line and began to ascend. Normal Procedures under my dive regulations call for a safety stop of three minutes duration at five metres. This basically means hang around on the line five metres down and think up poetry while three minutes go by. All well and good. It's a good thing it's only a guideline and not a hard-and-fast rule. I go to five metres and stopped. I tried to brace one arm on the scooter and hold the line with my other hand. I tried just holding it at arms length. I tried to hold it with both hands and hook my legs around the line. After ninety seconds of gyrating around the line and having my arm slowly torn out, I gave it up and surfaced. Having got back to the boat, I heaved it aboard, still spinning and glared at the boat captain. He was the one who had demonstrated how they worked. He looked at me, looked at it, then opened it up and disconnected the battery. His comment?

"Guess I really should get around to replacing that switch."

Bea"Other than that, it was a good dive"sty