First of all -- we love ya here, zK. I'm glad to be a (teensy tiny phantom comet of a) part of this community: where one can feel comfortable venting sorrows, frustrations, and deepest darkest feelings -- and, conversely, where one can always come first to post the OMGBBQYAY posts, whether it be to announce BABAYS or new scooters or whatnot. :) But anyhow, where you said at the end, "...whoever cares" -- I'd bet big money (if I had it) on the fact that the grand majority of folks around here have cared, do care, and will care. So feel safe in that, k?

>>[teh ubar snip]<<

> You think you're sad, you think you're depressed, but you've probably got no clue what it's really like in this dark little forgotten pit of hell.

I know plenty of folks will come in here, smarter than I, with better words than I, that will be able to help you out with everything else you typed: but my fraction of a dime goes here.

I'm glad you used the quantifier "probably", otherwise my soapbox would've gotten a nice dusting-off. Even so. You'd be surprised at how many others, I'd wager others even here (especially here, perhaps? Where folks of all peg shapes and sizes have gathered) -- have suffered through what you describe, and continue to do so. It's entirely too common, and as you implied: is not something you generally make others aware of.

>It's deep sadness, and you don't want to talk to anybody but at the same time you wish you had someone to talk to. You're so lonely, and it feels like you're gonna die in the rain. You've got to fight off thoughts of suicide every day.

Indeed it is. And you are. And you *do*. And with all that in mind, and hearing that you're going through that, I want to know: have you told anyone else? Anyone besides us? Anyone, um, offline? You say you've found out what's triggering it all -- that's a good start. Have you talked to your parents (either of them)? The thing is... it's possible there's more to this than feeling "gee golly I'm depressed again, blah humbuggery and all that". Because you say it's triggered by a major life event, is recurring, tends to last for the majority of your time, AND you're fighting suicidal tendencies, makes me worry for you. Because that means there is a good chance this is more than general Depression, and is skipping fuzzy lines into the "Clinical" area. The only way you can be sure is to talk to a doc, but if that were so -- that's actually good news! At least you would have an answer, and then could get started on making your self feel better.

Anyhow. The main points I'm blathering about are this:
You're loved. You're cared about. Don't forget that.
You're NOT alone, even when it might feel that way.
The most important thing you can do for yourself right now is to talk to someone who can help you help yourself: if that is going to a parent first, councelor, or straight to a doc -- do whatever it takes. Just do it.

--Sa"I am not a Doctor, but I play a psychotic bunny rabbit on RinkTV."ra