Yes, it is a cliché. But it is the closest thing I can think of to sum up what I am feeling now. I have decided what I would like to do with my life.

For the past few years, I've been drifting. No school, no job, and not in a sufficient mental state to pursue either. I believe I've mentioned my incapacitating depression here before. It also didn't help that there are so many varied things that I want to do and learn that it is difficult to focus on any one thing. I want to learn to draw, play various musical interests, speak several languages, program computers, make computer graphics, do martial arts, and many other things. I have always thought of these things as vague goals for the future, and I have only sporadically focused on any one for a short period of time. But I had time to think recently, on a long car ride back home from a trip I took to Florida. I have now decided that what I want to do with my life is to open a costume shop.

I have a strong interest in costuming, for both reenacting the Middle Ages in the SCA (Society for Creative Anachronism - http://www.sca.org/ ), and in recreating the often fantastic outfits of anime characters. I love to design things, and I can spend hours lost in it. (I spent most of the car ride to Florida designing, on the back of an old receipt I found on the floor of the car, a desk for holding two computers and meant to be used at a sofa-- perfect for snuggly geeks in love. Who knows if it will ever be built... but it was fun to think it up.) I love to figure out how to make things look and act the way I want them to, and if one fiddly bit isn't working just right, I can happily spend a lot of time figuring out how to make it work.

For a long time I thought I wanted to be a programmer. However, my interest in pursuing that career has been completely turned off, as in the past six or so months I've heard all about the dysfunctional corporate atmosphere my brother-in-law works in. That doesn't mean I'm still not interested in programming-- I just don't want it as my job anymore. And I never had a definite goal in that area. Just with all my other interests, I thought, "Oh, I'll learn it someday, when I'm better."

I have a definite goal now. I am living with my sister and her husband in the first real attempt at combating my depression. I'm trying various drugs, and soon I will start therapy. We'll be moving to Florida this summer, where my brother-in-law will go to law school for three years. I figure that by the end of those three years, if I am not healthy already, I will at least be on the way to recovery. In the meantime, I'll attempt to find a job, and start saving up money. I'll also contact the SCA in my area, and try to find a local expert in costuming to learn from. I'd also like to learn from an armorer. I want to learn to work with fabric, leather, and metal.

After those three years, I'll go to college. Because of a tuition program my grandparents set up when I was born, I have four free years at any Florida state college. I'll hopefully be able to find a university with good courses in costuming (perhaps one with a strong drama department?), the history of clothing for my medieval interests, and small business management. And after those years of l'arnin'... well, I'll just have to see how it works out. I'd probably be able to start a web business for custom costumes, and I'd like to open a physical shop as well. (RinkyDinks will get discounts, of course-- anyone want a Xena costume?)

It is so strange to feel this optimism about the future. I have to work to keep myself from feeling the same hopelessness about the future that I did before. It used to seem as if I would never be able to get cured, and that I would spend my whole life feeling like only half a human being. I probably will slide backwards from time to time, but I think now I can get back to this point of hope more easily, and in the future, further forward than just feeling hope. I think after months of trying different types of antidepressants, they are finally starting to kick in. It's not a very large difference, but it's a start.

Maryam