This contest ran from 10/25/99 to 11/1/99.

The winner and first runner-up are awarded official RinkWorks ballpoint pens. The winner also receives, in addition, a RinkWorks soda can opener -- slip one end over the tab of a soda can and pull. So much easier than just pulling the tab!

Come up with the most interesting question that might be asked in the Reader Poll section of RinkWorks. Entries must include not only the question but the available answers as well; the number of answers may not exceed thirteen.

Suitability for actual use is a requirement of all entries. We reserve the right to use any entry, not just the winners, as a poll question someday, though we may not choose to use every entry.

This was the hardest contest to judge so far, and until I actually thought hard and decided upon the winners, I was not the least bit sure my decision wouldn't be entirely arbitrary. Unlike previous contests, where the humor value was the primary criterion, this time I was looking for questions that were original and intriguing and would produce interesting results when I ask them of my readers. Humor was an added bonus (and, indeed, the winner's question certainly made me laugh), but the winner was chosen more for its oddball originality and the fact that I am interested to know how people will answer the question, even if the results end up being no more than a curiosity rather than of any practical use. The first runner up was chosen for entirely different reasons: rather than being off-the-wall or humorous, it is a thought-provoking question. RinkWorks primary purpose is entertainment, of course, but I try to slip in nuggets of thought provocation now and again to keep readers active and on their toes.

When I was first writing the scripts that handle the Reader Poll, I was going to put a permanent notice on the poll page asking for question suggestions from readers. I decided to hold off on it, planning for this contest first; now that it's over, I will post such a notice. Unlike with previous contests, late "entries" will not be listed at the bottom of this page (except for a few entries that came in after the contest deadline but prior to its judging); however, your submissions will still be considered for use as a poll question, so please don't be shy about submitting more questions -- I welcome them all.

Overall, I am extremely pleased with the results of this contest. I will be asking many of the submitted questions in the Reader Poll in the weeks to come, in no particular order, the winners and finalists probably sooner rather than later but not necessarily. Thanks to all who participated!

And the winning entries are:

• Winner: "What toys do you hate stepping on the most? Hot Wheels. Legos. Lincoln Logs. Marbles." -- Mikey

• Runner Up: "What do you believe concerning time travel? Temporal changeability (it is possible for a time traveller to change the past, which in turn would change the present and the future). Temporal inevitability (any attempt to change the past will be ineffective or cause to happen what has happened). Time travel is impossible." -- Fawcett

Special recognition goes to:

• Finalist: "Paper or plastic? Paper. Plastic." -- "Janichols"

• Finalist: "Who's the best children's poet? Lewis Carroll. Shel Silverstein. Robert Eastman. Dr. Seuss." -- "Morris C. B."

• Honorable Mention: "How do you put a roll of toilet paper on the spindle? I roll it over the top. I roll it under the bottom. I don't place it on the spindle; I stand it on end on the back of the stool or on the cabinet beside me. I make sure there is still one or two squares left on the roll and let someone else change it." -- "Dracimas"

• Honorable Mention: "Steaks? Just needs a band aid to moo again. Rare. Medium rare. Medium. Medium well. Well. Just stick it directly in the flame for an hour or two and let it. cook -- that cow's done!" -- "Dracimas"

• Honorable Mention: "What's the best overall attachment device or substance? Some sort of tape. Glue. Paper clip. Stapler." -- "Morris C. B."

• Honorable Mention: "What is your favorite vowel? A. E. I. O. U. Sometimes Y." -- "Snibor Eoj"

• Honorable Mention: "Worst song genre: Pop. Rap/R&B. Country. Alternative. Opera. Rock. Classical. Showtunes. Easy listening. Goth. Punk. Other. -- Zarkon

The remaining entries, alphabetized by author (first name or nickname), follow:

• "If the time came that we all turned into cheeses, what would you be? Brie. Gruyere. Rockefort. Gouda. Cheddar. Limberger. Just plain ol' American. A knife (well, something's gotta cut the cheese, right?)." -- "ActCat"

• "If it were up to you, would it be called a foon or a spork? Foon. Spork. What?!?" -- "Balanthalus"

• "If twelve kids are standing in line at a drinking fountain, in how many different orders can they stand? 24. 78. 144. 20,736. 479,001,600." -- "BrokenL4us"

• "In the event of an emergency landing, which of the following actions would you choose? Hold still and say to yourself, "There's no place like home." Sacrifice a goat. Remain calm and aid others to stop the spread of hysteria. Wonder how I came to be on an aircraft in the first place. Jo mama. Before the crash, scream out like a madman, "I knew RinkWorks couldn't fly! See what cardboard and super glue got you! Ahahaha!" Lower the food tray and put the chair back, out of spite. Strut! I don't have to do anything -- H. R. Giger designed my chair -- it'll swallow me inside its biomechanical stomach and travel through the pipes to safety." -- "campdave"

• "A standard candy bar contains an average of seven insect legs. Besides insect legs which would you least want to find in your candy bar? Machine oil. Hair. The entire insect. Half the insect. Anything crunchy that ain't a nut." -- "Dracimas"

• "Which is most comfortable? Right handed with mouse in right hand, buttons normal. Right handed with mouse in right hand, buttons reversed. Right handed with mouse in left hand, buttons normal. Right handed with mouse in left hand, buttons reversed. Left handed with mouse in left hand, buttons normal. Left handed with mouse in left hand, buttons reversed. Left handed with mouse in right hand, buttons normal. Left handed with mouse in right hand, buttons reversed. Ambidextrous with buttons normal. Ambidextrous with buttons reversed." -- "Dracimas"

• "When playing 8 Ball, do you prefer: Solids. Stripes. I'm so good it doesn't matter. I'm so bad it doesn't matter. I really don't give a flying flip." -- "Dracimas"

• "Eggs? Scrambled. Fried (sunny side up). Fried (over easy). Fried (broken yolk). Poached. Hard Boiled. Soft Boiled. Deviled. Raw. Any way I can get them. Not at all." -- "Dracimas"

• "What is you computer? Macintosh. Unix. DOS/Windows 3.xx. Windows 95. Windows 98. Windows NT 3.0. Windows NT 4.0 Workstation. Windows NT 4.0 Server." -- "Dracimas"

• "Have you ever cut a hole in a Double Density 3.5" floppy disk and formatted it as a High Density? Yes. No. A double what???" -- "Dracimas"

• "Do you support the philosophy 'Even if you fall flat on your face, you're still moving forward'? No, because even if you are moving forward, that fall is still going to give you nasty nose bleed. No, because by the time you've picked yourself up you'll be right back where you started. Yes, because technically that's an accurate statement. None of these." -- "Eowyn14"

• "Spork? A spoon with some small tines at the tip. Left side is spoon-shaped, right side is fork-shaped. Isn't there a knife bit in there somewhere? Huh?" -- "Faux Pas"

• "You can make one change to the Star Wars movies -- what is it? Dump the Ewoks. Rewrite Boba Fett's lame death scene. Jar Jar Binks gets left on the cutting room floor. Han is supposed to shoot first, darn it. Midi-chlorians -- forget about 'em. Give Darth Maul some dialogue. Luke kissed his sister! Ewww. More shots of Leia in the slave-girl bikini outfit. More shots of Han in a slave-boy bikini briefs outfit." -- "Faux Pas"

• "What is your favorite part of the RinkWorks Humor section? Book-A-Minute. Movie-A-Minute. The Dialectizer. Computer Stupidities. Things People Said. I Think. Crazy Tales. Really Bad Jokes. No favorite; I enjoy two or more equally. No favorite; I hate them all. I have not looked at them all." -- Fawcett

• "What kind of milk is the best? Skim. 1%. 2%. Whole." -- "Janichols"

• "Favorite dialect? Redneck. Jive. Cockney. Moron. Elmer Fudd. Swedish Chef. Pig Latin." -- "Janichols"

• "What is the best humorous food, either verbally or physically? Cheez Whiz. Cottage Cheese. Kumquat. Banana Cream Pie. Whipped Cream. Avocado." -- "Joe K."

• "Tissues: Soft or Strong? Soft. Strong." -- "Madula"

• "Ketchup: Hunt's or Heinz? Hunt's. Heinz." -- "Madula"

• "Toilet Paper: Crumple or fold? Crumple. Fold." -- "Madula"

• "Better for the economy: fingernail biting or nose picking? Fingernail biting. Nose picking." -- "Madula"

• "Who was the best Superman character (excluding Supe himself)? Clark Kent. Lois Lane. Jimmy Olsen. Perry White. Lana Lang. Lex Luthor." -- "MarkusRTK"

• "Do you find polls inutterably fascinating or abysmally boring? Truly fascinating: I could be polled all day! It's better than watching paint dry. I hate polls and wish they would all just die." -- Maria V.

• "Who is your favorite Simpsons character? Homer. Bart. Lisa. Marge. Mr. Burns. Smithers. Chief Wiggum. Ralph Wiggum. Principal Skinner. Apu. Moe. Someone else that isn't on this list. I don't watch The Simpsons." -- Mikey

• "F1 Racing or NASCAR? F1. NASCAR. Only rednecks like racing." -- Mikey

• "What's your favorite genre in movies/literature? Action. Romance. Science Fiction. Fantasy. I live in a cave." -- Mikey

• "What's your favorite ice cream flavor? Chocolate. Vanilla. Choco/Nilla swirl. Strawberry. Cookie Dough Chunk. Cookies 'n' Cream. Mint Chocolate Chip. Superman. Bubble Gum. Butter Pecan. Some other obscure flavor." -- Mikey

• "Cat in the Hat or The Lorax? Cat in the Hat. The Lorax. Huh?" -- Mikey

• "What's your favorite Pokemon (tm)? Pikachu. Charmander. Squirtle. Mr. Mime. Snorlax. Zapdos. Clefairy. They're all so cute! I think Pokemon is Satan's handiwork... ...but I like it anyways." -- Mikey

• "Which smiley (or variation of) do you use the most? :-) :-( :-P :-D :-X :-o :-d :-| I'm inhuman/robotic/a giant space bug, and I don't use smilies." -- Mikey

• "Which of these would you like to receive for Christmas? A pack of latex underwear. A lump of coal. A slightly used toothbrush. A Ziploc bag containing the Ebola virus. A copy of The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Some refuse from a garbage compactor. These all sound like equally grand gifts!" -- Mikey

• "Internet Exporer or Netscape Navigator? Internet Explorer. Netscape Navigator. Opera, Mosaic, or any other rebellious browser. I don't know what you're talking about." -- Mikey

• "Who was/is your favorite Saturday Night Live cast member? Mike Meyers. Dana Carvey. Phil Hartman. Chris Farley. David Spade. Adam Sandler. Dan Aykroyd. Jim Belushi. Someone else that isn't on SNL anymore. I'm crazy and like someone currently on the SNL cast." -- Mikey

• "Which of these should Sam be attacked by? A rabid wolverine. A giant space bug. A disgruntled/drunk Joel Schumacher. A sadistic turkey. It doesn't matter, because Sam would beat them all down." -- Mikey

• "Who would win in an all-out Battle Royale? Brunnen-G. Dave. Darien. Sam. None of the above." -- Mikey

• "What do you do when someone asks you a difficult question? Give them the URL of a good search engine. Mumble incoherently. Roll your eyes, scoff, and generally act like it's a stupid question. Say, '42.'" -- Mikey

• "Are you down with OPP? Yes. No. What's OPP?" -- Mikey

• "Which of these is the worst name for a restaurant? Coronary Joe's. We've Got Crabs. They're both pretty good names." -- Mikey

• "What do you like best about RinkWorks? Low, low prices. The salad bar. Less filling. Tastes great." -- Mikey

• "Which is true: 'Seeing is believing' or 'Appearances can be deceiving'? Seeing is believing. Appearances can be deceiving. They're both true. They're both wrong. What kind of stupid question is this?" -- "Morris C. B."

• "What's the best food group? Fats and oils. Dairy. Meat. Fruits and vegetables. Breads and grains." -- "Morris C. B."

• "Sam or Dave? Sam. Dave." -- "Morris C. B."

• "Glasses or contacts? Glasses. Contacts." -- "Morris C. B."

• "What's the best soda type? Lemon lime. Root beer. Cola. Cream soda. Orange soda. Grape soda. Something else." -- "Morris C. B."

• "Which do you like more: Bagpipes or accordions? Bagpipes. Accordions." -- "Morris C. B."

• "What's the best overall TV network? ABC. CBS. NBC. Fox. Turner. The WB. Independent stations." -- "Morris C. B."

• "Who is more likely to be related to (or to be) Satan himself? Bill Clinton. Marilyn Manson. Nick Carter. Barney. Leonardo diCaprio." -- "Morris C. B."

• "Which is most annoying? Country music. Rap music. Heavy metal. Fork across a plate. A screaming baby. The voice of Bill Clinton. The voice of Fran Drescher. All the 'Star Wars' hype." -- "Morris C. B."

• "Where do you live? United States. Canada. New Zealand. Australia. The UK. Germany. Russia. Other." -- "Morris C. B."

• "Which decade in the 20th century did we need the least? 1900-09. 1910-19. 1920-29. 1930-39. 1940-49. 1950-59. 1960-69. 1970-79. 1980-89. 1990-99." -- "Morris C. B."

• "What's for dinner? Chicken. Fish. Red meat. Pasta. Take out. Order in." -- "Mousie"

• "Do you: Wanna dance, under the moonlight? Hear what I hear? Believe in love? Know what I mean? Know where you're going to? Like the things that life is showing you?" -- "Mousie"

• "How many times do you answer each poll? Zero: then why are you here? One: I'm satisfied with my answer. Two to three: just making sure my answer went though. Four or more: I want my choice to win!" -- Pat J. [Editor's Note: The Reader Poll engine filters out multiple answers from the same person.]

• "Who was the real mastermind behind the Red Menace? Santa Claus. The guy that owns Arby's. Roald Dahl. Tony the Tiger. David J. Parker." -- "Raistlin"

• "What is your favorite fast food resturant? McDonald's. Wendy's. Burger King. Hardee's. Jack in the Box. Boston Market. Taco Bell. Subway. Other. Fast food sucks." -- "Sharkcity"

• "The worst service you've ever received at a restaurant was where? Denny's. IHOP. Friendly's. Pizza Hut. Chez Snooty. Home." -- "Snibor Eoj"

• "Which Star Trek series was your favorite? The Original Series. Next Generation. Deep Space Nine. Voyager. I don't watch Star Trek. All of them." -- "Spider-Boy

• "Are you right or left handed? Right handed. Left handed. Ambidextrous." -- "Spider-Boy"

• "What is your favorite show with Muppets on it? The Muppet Show. Sesame Street. Fraggle Rock." -- "Spider-Boy"

• "Would you rather be blind, deaf, or mute? Blind. Deaf. Mute." -- "Spider-Boy"

• "What is the root of all evil? Money. Hell. People. Sex." -- "Spider-Boy"

• "At what time is your alarm clock set? 3-3:30am. 3:30-4:00am. 4-4:30am. 4:30-5:00am. 5-5:30am. 5:30-6am. 6-6:30am. 6:30-7am. 7-7:30am. Later than 7:30am. I don't use an alarm clock." -- Tom H.

• "If you HAD to permanently lose one of your senses, which would it be? Sight. Hearing. Taste. Smell. Touch. Common." -- "Tranio"

• "Do you ever experience deja-vu? You've asked me this before. Deja-who? Stop asking me that. No, but do you ever experience deja-vu?" -- "Trillian"

• "How many angels can dance on the head of a pin? Straight pin or safety pin? One. Seven to twelve. Forty-two. About as many that can fit in the hole of a bowling ball. The same quantity as the number of Hoos who live in Hooville. All of them -- if they're not made of matter, they take up no space. The answer is none; angels don't exist. None; pins don't exist." -- "Wolfspirit"

• "How do you think RinkWorks (and hence, the world) will end? RinkWorks collapses under the weight of Darien's past forum postings, accreting all mass into a black hole; nothing can escape. Slapdash City is infected with a nasty trojan worm where useless information grows exponentially in size, consuming all resources, until global communications grind to a halt. Multiple meteoric impacts devastate the planet and New England -- frying RinkWorks' web hosting service, all backups of this web site, and everything -- including Sam. S.A.M.'s architect unleashes the ultimate AI, reanimating Darius and Blood Drops from their DotA confinement; the two implacable foes repeatedly hack and slash their way through CGI scripts worldwide, effectively killing all input into the Internet. Both India and China commence a nuclear war, after determining that various I Think insights pose an immediate threat to national security. The Katoo aliens kidnap Sam again -- this time permanently -- in a attempt to create a KatooWorks coummunity on their home planet. The Second Coming arrives, and everyone remotely connected to RinkWorks is subsumed directly into Heaven. Joe Eszterhas shows up to draft a film called RinkWorks: End of an Era...then wonders why everyone's gone. The Y2K microbe simply blows out all the lights and electrical power; humanity is left to struggle in a new Dark Age of things called 'books.'" -- "Wolfspirit"

• "Who wants Trident? I do! I do! Nobody in their right mind. Poseidon." -- "Zarkon"

• "Religion? No. Christianity. Judaism. Neo-paganism. Hindu. Moslem. Buddhism. Taoism. Shinto. Scientology. Other." -- "Zarkon"

• "Who's better? Terry Pratchett. Douglas Adams." -- "Zarkon"

• "More tea? No. Yes, please." -- "Zarkon"

• "Georgie Porgie? Misunderstood. Serial rapist." -- "Zarkon"

• "Can that ant move that rubber tree plant? Yes. No. No, but he's got high hopes." -- "Zarkon"

• "RinkWorks: Cool. Really cool. Frosty. Glacial. An inverse supernova of coolness." -- "Zarkon"

• "What have I got in my pocket? Handses. Knife. String. Nothing. One Ring to rule them all." -- "Zarkon"

• First against the wall when the revolution comes? Rush Limbaugh. Howard Stern. Jerry Lewis." -- "Zarkon"

• "Best line from Warcraft II (tm)? 'I can see my house!' 'Even elder races get tired of waiting.' 'Join the army, they said. See the world, they said. I'd rather be sailing.' 'Bombs are great!' 'You never touch the other elves that way.' 'We've got explosives! Kaboom!' 'Who wants to sing?'" -- "Zarkon"

• "Do you feel lucky? Huh, punk? Yes. No." -- "Zarkon"

• "How many years should the person who submitted Really Bad Joke #245 burn in the red end of hell? 1. 2. 3. 1,238,971. An infinite number." -- "Zarkon"

• "Who put the bop in the bop-shu-wop-shu-wop? I'd like to meet that man -- I'd like to shake his hand. Leonard Nimoy (ok, ok, so you'll only get this if you've been to the Boston Museum of Science...so sue me). The same guy that wrote the Book of Love. The Duke, Duke, Duke, Duke of Earl, Earl, Earl." -- "Zarkon"

• "Which do you hate least, a root canal or proctological exam? Root canal. Proctological exam." -- "Zarkon"

• "RinkWorks: Not at all funky. Not funky enough. Just enough funk. A little too funky. Exploding with funky goodness." -- "Zarkon"

• "Are these fresh? Yes. No." -- "Zarkon"

• (In tribute to Wolfspirit, although this is only in dog latin) "Quis custodiet ipsos custodes? (Who will guard the guards themselves?) Custodes (the guards). Patris, filius, et spiritus sancti (the Father, the Son, the Holy Ghost). Omnia Gallia (all of Gaul). Conscientiarum (their consciences). Vir sapit (a wise man)." -- "Zarkon"

• "Do you prefer potato chips with real fat or fake fat? Real fat. Fake fat." -- "Zarkon"

• "What time is it? Howdie Doody time. Hammer time. Time for Krusty and Friends. Time to get things started on the Muppet Show tonight. Time to get a new watch." -- "Zarkon"

• "What's your position on censorship? #^(& censorship -- free the 'net! It's ok to have playground areas and minimal controls, but that shouldn't interfere with responsible adults doing what they want. Some words and some pictures just shouldn't be available for anyone, anywhere, for any reason -- even Tipper Gore and Pat Robertson agree on this. People who see pornographic images or read foul language slowly become serial killers -- it's true -- I saw it in Reader's Digest." -- "Zarkon"

• "I'm just talking 'bout Sam. Shut yo' mouth. I can dig it. What the hell are you on, anyway?" -- "Zarkon"

• "How many licks does it take to get to the tootsie-roll center of a tootsie-pop? I never made it without biting. 1. 2. 3. 1,276." -- "Zarkon"

• "What would you do with a million dollars? Buy a house. Buy a car (no, a nice car). Buy one share of Microsoft stock. Buy a lifetime supply of food/candy. Swim around in it like Scrooge McDuck. Invest it. Aaaalright -- goodbye, student loan payments!" -- "Zarkon"

• "Who's on first? Who. What. I don't know. You can't, you get down from a duck!" -- "Zarkon"

• "Which is your favorite Warner Brothers cartoon? Old-style Looney Tunes and Merry Melodies. Tiny Toons. Animaniacs. Batman. Superman. Spiderman." -- "Zarkon"

• "I'm... A joker. A smoker. A midnight toker. A space cowboy. The gangster of love. Maurice." -- "Zarkon"

• "Which is the worst movie ever made? Plan 9 From Outer Space. Batman and Robin. Hackers. Sinbad of the Seven Seas. Manos: Hands of Fate. Anything by Joel Schumacher. Other." -- "Zarkon"

• "How may times should Joe Eszterhas be shot? Zero. Once. Six times. Until you run out of clips to reload with." -- "Zarkon"

• "Starcraft? Warcraft II: In Space. Just another game in the shelf. Kinda fun. Redefined my life." -- "Zarkon"

• "Best contest so far? RinkWorks acronym. RinkWorks motto. RinkWorks treasure hunt. RinkWorks poll." -- "Zarkon"

• "Which woman would be more likely to bear Superman's child? Wonder Woman. Lois Lane." -- Zarkon

• "Do real men eat quiche? Yes. No. What the hell is quiche?" -- Zarkon

• "Are you a good witch or a bad witch? Good. Bad. Good? Bad? I'm the guy with the gun." -- Zarkon

• "Most disturbing: Crack babies. Dick Clark. Pollution and global warming. Killer Bees. The (absent) threat of nuclear war. The thought of Bill Gates breeding. The fact that the Lost in Space movie made money. Trent Lott's hair." -- Zarkon

• "Funniest comic strip: Dilbert. Garfield. Fox Trot. Doonesbury." -- Zarkon

• "Who is Number One? We are! The other team, apparently. You are Number Six." -- Zarkon

• "Why do all those aliens keep invading earth? To steal our wimmen-folk. To steal our water. To steal our inferior technology. Only planet in the galaxy with decent fried chicken. To blow it up -- you monsters -- d**n you -- d**n you all to hell! To force us to build a gun to fire at some planet we've never heard of. Extreme boredom. Hate trailer trash as much as the rest of us." -- Zarkon

• "Who are you? The new Number Two. I'm Batman. Jean Valjean. I'm a mechanical man. I'm Kilroy... Kilroy... Kilroy... Kilroy... Kilroy.... Just another brick in the wall. The King of Pain. What do you want? The very model of a modern major-general. Alice, if you please, sir. A walking shadow; a poor player that struts and frets his hour about the stage and then is heard no more. The Angel of Death. The Keymaster. The Gatekeeper." -- Zarkon

• "What's the best line from They Live? 'I'm here to chew bubble gum and kick @$$. And I'm all out of bubble gum.' 'White line's in the middle of the road...and that's the worst place to walk.' 'Life's a bitch, and she's back in heat.'" -- Zarkon

Lastly, the following entries were submitted after the contest deadline but before judging (future late entries will not be posted here, but they will be considered for use):

• "Who would win in a Battle Royale? Superman. Batman. The Flash. The Green Lantern. Firestorm. Hawkman. Wonder Woman. Black Canary. Aquaman." -- "Zarkon"

• "What's for dinner? Beef. Vegetables. Fish. Chicken. Turkey. Pork. Fruit. Bread. Cheese." -- "Zarkon"

• "What are you doing with that thing? I was just looking at it -- jeez. It smells nice. My brother's friend's uncle says you can hear the ocean in one of these. It just feels good. Just a little taste, I promise." -- "Zarkon"

• "Star Wars: The Phantom Menace: I loved it; it was much better than Cats -- I'm going to go see it again and again. A truly excellent film. It was ok, I guess. I would have liked it better if it had included Jar Jar Binks being disemboweled -- and maybe something could have been done to Anakin's voice box. I would rather chew hand grenades than see even five minutes of that movie ever again." -- "Zarkon"

• "They Might Be Giants: Everything that is pure and good about music in the 90s. Talentless hacks." -- "Zarkon"

• "How many digits of pi do you know? 0. 1-4. 5-7. 8-10. 11-18. More than 18." -- "Zarkon"

• "Tokyo is in ruins! What shall we do? Only Gamarra can save us now! Pray for Godzilla's return! The Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers will surely protect us! We must rely on...SPEED RACER!" -- "Zarkon"

• "Political Party (organized in alphabetical order)? Communist. Democrat. Green. Independent. Libertarian. Republican. Sure -- I'll bring the beer." -- "Zarkon"

• "Drew Carey: Satirical genius. Overweight schlub with glasses. Genetic experiment gone horribly wrong." -- "Zarkon"

• "Grown man's favorite Pokemon (tm) character: Bulbasaur. Charmander. Squirtle. Pikachu. Cute anime chick in miniskirt...asaur." -- "Zarkon"

• "Scooby Doo, where are you? Ooover here! Hee HEEE hee hee hee-hee! Trying to score some Scooby Snacks. Passed out in the back of the Mystery Machine." -- "Zarkon"

• "Biggest flops of the century: Ross Perot. Waterworld. Eurodisney." -- "Zarkon"

• "Favorite fast-food breakfast: Egg McMuffin. BK Croissantwich. Rooty-tooty Fresh and Fruity Junior. Onna steeck." -- "Zarkon"

• "Best way to ingest daily dose of caffeine: Coffee. Coca-coa. Pepsi. Intravenous drip." -- "Zarkon"

• "Best long-lost cartoon: Snorks. Gummi bears. Thundercats. Fritz the Cat." -- "Zarkon"

• "I love... ...Paris in the springtime. ...the night-life. ...myself -- and I want you to love me." -- "Zarkon"

• "Sanity: Good. Bad. Overrated." -- "Zarkon"