This contest ran from 9/14/99 to 9/21/99.

The winner and first runner up are awarded a brand spanking new official RinkWorks ball point pen each. The winner is also awarded, in addition, a suction cup.

Come up with the craziest, looniest, and most creative phrase, sentence, quote, or passage that the acronym R.I.N.K.W.O.R.K.S. might stand for. Entries will be judged according to my strange, often unconventional, and seemingly arbitrary sense of humor. Participants are also invited to come up with what the shorter R.I.N.K. might stand for, should that task be easier and lend itself more to comic possibilities -- but submissions for this shorter acronym are not eligible for prizes.

It's a cliche to say so, but I mean it. This contest was extremely difficult to judge. RinkWorks clearly has an audience with a great deal of creativity and imagination. I look forward to running future contests that challenge the creativity of its participants -- but I don't particularly look forward to judging them.

The winners were chosen based on a number of subjective criteria. The most important was if the entry made me laugh when I read it. Cleverness and/or creativity counted very highly. Another criterion was that it flow well, make sense, and not look too obvious that it was "forced" to fit the acronym (unless there was a witty reason to break this rule). Relation to the RinkWorks web site was counted favorably but was not an overriding concern.

The winners are the result of pruning all that I could bear and then some. I cannot bestow enough thanks upon the participants of this contest for making my job difficult.

And the winning entries are:

• Winner: "Revolutionary Information Node Kings Wielding Obscure Reasoning Kinda Subjectively." -- "Dracimas"

• Runner Up: "Riots Incited Near Kentucky When Overwrought Reader Kiboshes Sam." -- "Mousie"

Special recognition goes to:

• Finalist: (a RinkWorks haiku)

  "Rock, Paper, Scissors."
  "I Think": Life as it should be.
  New? Gnu? Nous? Knew? Whew!

  Kobolds take your gold.
  Walden just takes a minute.
  Ouch! Really Bad Joke!

  Redneck spoken here.
  Key goal: World Domination.
  Sam must be so proud.

  -- "Mousie"

• Finalist: "Rhode Island Now Knows What Only Russia Knew Saturday." -- Trip P.

• Honorable Mention: "Randomly Insulting, Never Knowledgeable, Worthless, Often Revolting Kielbasa Sausage." -- Michael F.

• Honorable Mention: "Really Intelligent, Nice, Kind, Wonderfully Omnipotent Readers Kill Sam." -- Stephen K.

The remaining entries, alphabetized by author (first name or nickname), follow:

• "Really Interesting Not Killer Wonders Of Ridiculous Kooky Stuff." -- "Bice"

• "Raining Indigo Nuts Knock Wookies Over Red Kaleidoscope Swings." -- "Bond"

• "Rescue Inky Naive Kittens With Olive Rice Kale Sacrifices." -- "Bond"

• "Rinky Inky Ninky Kinky Winky Outstanding Really Kool Site." -- "Cartman"

• "R.I.N.K. Is No more: Katoo I Will Overthrow RinkWorks, Kidnapping Sam." -- Christine

• "Really Inky Nuns Kavort With Octopi 'Round Kirk's Starship." -- Christine

• RinkWorks; oh thy words are wise.
  I relish thy sly punch lines.
  Nothing compares to that site of all sites,
  Kind advice on humor to love.

  Why you are here, I do not know,
  Or were you always near? No--
  Rather, by the grace of Sam
  Kilobytes and modems create art.

  Sam, you done good!

  -- Christine

• [to the tune of "America the Beautiful"]

  RinkWorkians shall all unite
  Intoning gracious chants--
  Nothing shall hurt
  Kinship we feel
  With RinkWorks and with Sam.
  Oh, Ri-inkWorks, oh,
  Ri-inkWorks,
  Kindnesses fall on thee!
  So, lo-ong life and joyous times
        For my Rinkworks and Me!

  -- Christine

• Ruinous times, these;
  In days of such depravity,
  Nary a
  Kind
  Word to be heard, across the great expanse
  Of that wretched medium, the WWW,
  RinkWorks stands alone. Other sites offer overused humor and typos by the
  Kilobyte, but
  Sam actually proofreads -- and his humor's his own.

  -- Christine

• RinkWorks
  Is a complex site;
  Not only is there humor, but
  Kaser FAQ, and
  Wise advice
  On several matters.
  Really, lazy
  Kookaburra, go ahead--
  Sit in that gum tree -- I'll be at the Rink!

  -- Christine

• RinkWorks, RinkWorks, what do you mean?
  In the depth of the dictionary you're not to be seen.
  Now, someday, Sam'll put you on the map --
  Know then, we will,
  Where Cyberspace is at.
  Oh, in the meantime we'll occupy our thoughts with
  RinkWorks details and questions for thought.
  Knock on Sam's e-door, ask and he'll tell just what the deal is with
  Shtml.

  -- Christine

• R for reality--
  I see there is
  None
  Knelt
  Over
  RinkWorks, Know you
  Something great is afoot.

  -- Christine

• "Realistically, I Never Knew Why Only Really Knowledgeable Souls Registered In New, Kinder Ways Of Really Knowing Soulless, Really Intelligent Netizens Kleverly Winding Obtuse Republicans Kompletely Senseless; Righteously Invoking Never-Known Written Orations Radial Keratotomy Seldom Registers, I Never Knelt Wearily, Only Ran Knightsbridge Sandwich Restaurants In Newtown, Kingston, Washington, Oregon, Rockford, & Kansas Sity." -- Dan L.

• "Really Incredible Nifty Kingly Wonderful Outstanding Remarkably Kewl Stuff." -- Daniel A.

• "Really Intelligent Non-Korporeal Web Organism (Randomly Kan't Spell)." -- "Darien"

• "Ravioli Intrinsically Nonplusses Kinky Wombats Offering Rubbermaid Kitchen Suction-cups." -- David L.

• Reply to
  Internet Contests?
  Never!
  Knowing full
  Well that I won't win.
  Or...
  Rely on multiple entries,
  Kiss a frog, rub a blarney
  Stone, and hope this one will be a winner?

  -- David M.

• "Rug-wearer's Irritated Nostrils Kick With Other Rules, Kind Sir." -- "Dragon"

• "Rabid, Ingenious, Nefarious, Kafkaesque Website. Overtly Raucous, Kinda Silly." -- Greg S.

• "Rightwing Individuals Not Knowing Who Ordered Rightwingers (to be) Killed Slowly." -- Jeffrey F.

• "Rabid Indiglo Nude Kashmir Wombats Only Rap Kinks Songs." -- Joe K.

• "Reinforced Intelligence Network Kicks With Original Remarkable Knowledge-Streams." -- Jommeke

• "Really Interesting New Kind of Wonderful and Ordinary sometimes Really Kinky Stuff." -- Lynda K.

• "Really, Is No Knowledge Without Ominous Reason, Kinda-Sorta?" -- Magenta N.

• "RinkWorks, In Norse Kibology, Will Oppose Respectfully Kwaint Soda." -- Magenta N.

• "Real Iguanas Never Know Where Our RinkWorks Kill Salmon." -- Magenta N.

• "RINK Is Not Kind, WORKS Often Really Know Stuff." -- Magenta N.

• "Rogue, Imp, Not Kobold - Will Orcs Really Kill Squirrels?" -- Magenta N.

• "Rubbing Ice Near Keloids Will Offend Ridiculously Kinky Sages!" -- Matthew W.

• "Rhinos Invite Nerdy Koalas With Optical Restraints to Kneel to Santa." -- Mary B.

• "Rhibosomes Invaded my Nucleus and Killed the Wild, Obnoxious, Respectable Kindergardeners who Sneezed." -- Mary B.

• "RinkWorks Is Not Kind to Whales who Only Revere Killer Snails." -- Mary B.

• "Roc-In-Noc-Kin World Of Rink's Kinky Stuff." -- Monty B.

• "Rarely Insipid. Never Kitschy. Without Offering Regular Kinds of Sadism. That's R.I.N.K.W.O.R.K.S." -- "Mousie"

• "Revel In New Knowledge Without Ordinary, Run-of-the-mill, Kitschy Schtick." -- "Mousie"

• "The coolest people on the web with a name that has no freaking acronyms." -- "Poppy"

• "Revel In Nonchantantly Knowing What Obscure Revelations Kooks Say." -- Rachel

• "Rabid Iguanas Never Kiss Wallabees Or Rambunctious Killer Sloths." -- R.M.P.

• "Regrettably, I never knew why Oppenheimer recognized Kruschev's shoe." -- Snibor Eoj

Also, there are a few ineligible entries, either because they were not expansions of R.I.N.K.W.O.R.K.S. or, as is the case of the first one, because I was the author:

• "Really, Is Not Katoo Wreaking Odious Ruses and Kidnapping Sam?" -- Sam

• "RinkWorks Inspires Numerous Katoos." -- Jommeke

• "SAM Am Me." -- Stephen K.

Lastly, the following acronyms were invented and/or submitted after the contest deadline and subsequent judging:

• RICHARD: I never knew worse -- oh, Redneckizer! Kill Stoddard, recreant, in neverending kilobytic war! Odin's ravens keen, saying: "Rise, illiterate Netizens! Kill, warriors!"
  OPHELIA: Rather kiss Sam; ruler in Net's kingdom where others rant -- kindly, sophisticated! Rumour indeed? No; knowledge would only reinforce knowledge's surmise.
  RICHARD: I'd not knowingly wrong our revered king: sweet, rare, illuminating; noble, keen-witted -- our Rinkworks kinsman Sam.

  -- "Brunnen-G"

• "Reality's Insane Nonsensical Kaleidoscope Where Odd Rambunctious Kids Squabble." -- Byron

• "Realistically I Need Kudos. Wolfspirit Out Ranks Kudoless Subscribers." -- "Dracimas"

• "Really -- Issachar never knew we once read the Kama Sutra." -- "Faux Pas"

• "Really Intelligent Nerds Know Where Our Rigorous Kwizes are Situated." -- Jane K.

• "Rarely Intelligent Nor Knowledgeble...With Ommision Regarding Knightly Sam." -- Jimmy of York

• "Running Into Nerdy Kids While On Respected Kooky Sages." -- Marvin

• "Web Wackiness? Where?" -- Robert A.

• "Ridiculously Idiotic Nomads Keep Warthogs On Ranches (for) Kickboxing Specials." -- "Silvercup"

• "Relentlessly Intrepid Newfangled Knowledge Working Overtime Revealing Keen Silliness." -- "Wolfspirit"