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The Hobbit

By J. R. R. Tolkien

Ultra-Condensed by Samuel Stoddard and David J. Parker

Bilbo Baggins

Ah, now for some peace and quiet. Oops, someone's at the door.

Balin

We're dwarves. I'm the merry one.

Dwalin

I'm the happy one.

Fili

I'm the young one.

Kili

I'm the other young one.

Dori

I'm the funny one.

Nori

I'm the joyous one.

Ori

I'm the cute one.

Oin

I'm the jolly one.

Gloin

I'm the silly one.

Bifur

I'm the one with the funniest name.

Bofur

I'm the one with the looniest name.

Bombur

I'm the fat one.

Thorin

I'm the one with a distinct personality.

Gandalf

Now that you're all here, let's go on a quest.

(They get captured by TROLLS, and it is DANGEROUS, because they almost get EATEN. Then they get captured by ORCS, and it is DANGEROUS, because they almost get EATEN.)

Bilbo Baggins

What have I got in my pocket?

Gollum

I don't know.

(They get captured by SPIDERS, and it is DANGEROUS, because they almost get EATEN.)

Smaug

I'm an evil dragon. Hiss hiss.

(Bilbo Baggins turns INVISIBLE, and then some obscure co-star SLAYS the dragon, and it makes a MESS.)

Bilbo Baggins

I'm going home. Peace and quiet, here I come.

THE END

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